Change

One undeniable truth in my life is the occurrence of ever present change. This is at least partially true for everyone I think, however I am a person that has experienced profound change on a regular basis. As a child, I moved into and out of homes with some regularity, and I seem to have replicated that model in my adulthood. Most of the time, the change has been for the worse. I get myself into situations where change is inevitable. In the most recent example I blindly put too much faith in the concept of marriage, thinking that my "partner-in-life" would see through my behavior, words, and actions to the real me, who was hurt, lost and confused. At the very least I expected the benefit of the doubt. See, I was going through a rough time in my life. My mom died, I lost my job, I had succumbed to various unhealthy 'medicinal' habits, and I think I must have been having some sort of midlife crisis because for a couple of months I was damn sure I wasn't going to work in IT anymore! In fact, I was looking for ways to be a stay at home dad, much to the disapproval of my then best friend, the one whom I married. My attitude and outlook had become miserable and I would lash out at anyone for any reason. An enormous turmoil and stress had built up inside me and I lost my ability to cope in a healthy way. I turned into a selfish, rude, and disrespectful man. I don't argue that it was (putting it nicely), 'difficult' to be around me for any length of time. Yet when I needed my friend the most, she left me alone and depressed. I was abandoned to be an asshole by myself. I'm sure one could look at the situation and interpret it in any number of ways and maybe it's realistic to think I deserved to be left alone to figure out my life by myself, and fix myself on my own.

However, I don't believe that. I think that when a couple is married, they vow to stay together for better or worse. Issues, concerns, problems, and untenable situations are opportunities to help one another, and be a closer couple on the other side. Even if it takes awhile. There are certain actions that in my opinion justifies a divorce, including infidelity, physical abuse, and lying. There are perhaps more however, mental health issues aren't acceptable reasons to end a lifelong pact. If someone I decided to trust and love forever experienced a personality change and became a different person than the one I married, I would not leave or give up. I would not abandon her or remove her from my heart. I have now learned that in my case, I needed time, understanding, patience, help, and above all... love.

Unfortunately those apparent luxuries were not available to me. The person I needed this from the most instead withdrew and cultivated her own resentments. I was devastated. I was unbelievably heartbroken. I had never felt this blackness, hopelessness, and sense of loss. I could go on describing the utter despair I felt but... Maybe you, reader, get the idea. Suffering through depression throughout this time I came real close to ending my life. Once, I admitted myself to an ER and spent a few days in a psych ward. Some time after that I took a LOT of pills. I am actually very surprised I survived the amount of painkillers, alcohol, and sleeping pills I simultaneously put into myself. I tried another time as well, but there is not much to say about that. See, the emotional pain of losing my family (again) had overcome my ability to cope. I had no tools with which to counter the overwhelming sadness and suffering. This family I had cherished, the son we had agreed to make, the life we agreed to reach for, the woman I had loved beyond description. All gone. All gone and I was made aware of The Decision by a text message on my phone. The phone that was one of a pair we upgraded, the newness of the gadget we experienced together. For some reason getting a text that indicated my marriage was over, that my life was again changing, on that particular phone hurt almost as much as the message itself.

That's it for now. Writing this stuff down is a necessary process for me but it opens scabs that are just beginning to heal over. I have to vent in small doses or... I will exceed my coping capacity.

Sorry to be so emo.

To be continued...